Ah...too bad a word like that doesn't exit in the English language.
Today I rather feel no other word fits my mood.
It describes a feeling, a state of the soul: a mixture of nostalgia, longing, happiness for the memories and sadness for what it's gone.
It's my two-month wedding annyversary. And at least 4 weeks of that I have spent away from my new husband...
It was always clear we were a modern-modern couple, -though we did meet in the flesh first rather than over the internet like the ultramodern couples of today. But this Internet/skype love is not for me anymore.
Right at the start, we knew we were going to have to put up with being apart for longish periods of time -what with having to finish an undergraduate degree in Mexico while he worked in Marseilles. We lived thousands of kilometers away and the Atlantic in between for two years then, commuted for over a year between two European countries every 2 weeks and finally settled for 3 wonderful years until we became engaged.
Then the coming and going started again, at the begining of this year, more coming than going for me, since it was mostly Dr. O who was coming to stay with me in Vienna, while I had my 6-month fellowship. We got used all through this 8 years to not stay apart for much longer than 10 days.
The time in Vienna was great, we were there in our nice little world, no other responsabilities but some research, and the responsability to oneself and to the beautiful city of enjoying its sunny cafes and quaint parks. Swimming in the Old Danube, playing table-tennis...eating cakes!
I started to get used in Vienna to not having lots of friends around, we were only a few there, although a very nice selection of few: I really appeaciated the company of my Imperial friends. (Let's not forget Vienna was an imperial city!)
But what I didn't have to put up with, is what I have had lots in Rio: Loneliness.
This dark Gavea flat, this rain that doesn't stop. This saudade. Of my new husband . Of my (mainly London) friends...
After the whirlwind that was the month of september: leaving Vienna (sad), briefly in London for hen-day and a few last goodbyes (happy and sad) and the arriving in Mexico for three-week intense program pre-wedding finishing in the Wedding itself, of course, and the calm, loved-filled honey-moon month of October, this month finishing today proved to be a very hard one.
It is not easy to go from honey-moon 24/7 to being completely on my own: no family, no friends and no work to throw myself into...alas, not even a nice warm beach...it's been raining most days (not that after my sun-burnt of three weeks ago I want to stay at the beach on hot days).
I never thought, not when I applied, and certainly not when I finally took that last ride inside Dr. O's old lovely Polo across London, on a crisp Guy Fawlkes night, that I was going to feel so deeply "needy": of my former life, whatever that was.
I now know for sure I won't be accepting any jobs anymore that imply we have to be appart again. He might choose to, but I won't if I can help it.
I don't want a modern-modern love over the internet every few months for a couple of weeks.
I now know four weeks apart is way too long...four days apart is already too long.
I now know I want to be with him everyday. Forever.